Continuation of "I wonder why..." ~ VERY, VERY long!

Okay, so I didn't finish this the next day...LIFE...always getting in the way! I sort of lost my train of thought on this, so if I deviate, I apologize in advance. I'm very random anyway, as those of you close to me can attest to. I go off on my own little tangents, and before you know it, I can't even remember the point I was trying to make and I just give up!

Back to the topic at hand...R-E-G-R-E-T-S! I have so many...as I am sure most of you reading this do. As I am in the process of "healing," I felt compelled to acknowledge some of the "NOT MY BEST" moments. Am I ashamed of them? To an extent. But more than shame, I feel sadness. I wouldn't change any of the things that happened in my past, as they have made me who I am today. However, I do wish some of my experiences had been handled in a different manner. In hindsight, I wish I had had the wisdom of what I know now and just kept my big mouth shut. I have a tendency to spout off whatever is on my mind. More often than not, the words that leave my lips are words that PROBABLY should have been left unsaid. I often speak without thought or care as to how my words come across or who they hurt. I haven't always been this way. There was a time in my life where I was very thoughtful, considerate, and **GASP** kind! Sadly, when you have been screwed over and let down as many times as I have, you cannot help but harden. So, along with learning to heal, I am *trying* to learn how to "melt."

So, where do I begin?! Much of my life, the good as well as the bad, has been pushed deep into the bottomless abyss of my mind. I imagine those memories are there ~ SOMEWHERE. Yet, no matter how hard I try, there are many, many things that I cannot recall. Perhaps I don't want it enough, preferring instead to keep it hidden inside where I don't have to deal with it. That would be easier. Recently, the thought has occurred to me to pretend like each one of these forgotten memories is a caterpillar in a cocoon. Then, I will imagine the cocoons opening up & these BEAUTIFUL butterflies emerge and fly away, each one taking a forgotten memory with them. Just let them go! I feel that I would then be somewhat at peace. So, I have decided that I am going to try that...I will let you know how it goes...

I have made many, many bad choices in the relationship department in the past. WOW! Each relationship & encounter changed me in some way ~ some for the best, some for the worse. I wish almost all of them had never happened, but fortunately, I don't have to go back and worry about it now. What matters now is that I am married to a wonderful, FABULOUS husband and father!!! He is, without a doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me! As they say, everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't made the past choices that I made, I wouldn't have found Tim! So, thank you to all those bad relationship choices!

F*R*I*E*N*D*S ~ I have made & lost some good friends on my journey! To some of those that I have lost, I say good riddance. Others...I miss & wish that I could find you again. Maybe some day. Here is a poem I got from one of my best friends, Stasia:

Remember me this way

Every now and then we find a special friend

who never lets us down

who understands it all

reaches out each time we fall

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

A part of you will never ever go away

your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that love will be so kind

to such a gentle mind

if you lose your way

think back on yesterday

remember me this way

hmm... remember me this way

I don't need eye's to see the love you bring to me

no matter where I go and I know that you'll be there

forever more apart of time you're everywhere

I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you

and hope it will come true

that love

will just be kind to just a gentle mind

If you lose your way look back on yesterday

remember me this way hmm.....

remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you

I'll be standing by your side and all you do

and I won't ever leave as long as

you believe... you just believe

So, I will remember these beautiful people who have touched my life ~ some have stayed and will always stay, some are gone & I will never get them back, some I will one day find again. All have touched my life in some way, and for that, I am grateful!

I imagine one of my biggest regrets and one that I think about often...Jaci. More often than not, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. I guess the problem is that sometimes words are misinterpreted. One can have the best of intentions, but if the person isn't on the same page as you are, or has a different point of view, things can get twisted. Sometimes I feel that it is hopeless to keep trying with her, but I am not a quitter. I feel like I cannot give up! I keep trying to repair the fragile relationship that she & I had. I am hoping that one day, Jaci will allow herself to forgive me for what it is that she feels that I have done. So many times, I want to write to her and tell her how I feel & how I wish things could be.

But alas, I don't know if my efforts will EVER make a difference. I don't know what drives her, what motivates her to do the things she does. I have tried to understand. I have BEEN in her shoes. I don't think she realizes how good she has it. Shaelyn has a father who actually gives a crap about her! There are so many children whose father's don't pay child support & who don't ever try to see them. Brandon & Nicole are a PRIME example of this!!! I wish I could make her understand. I wish I could force her to be GRATEFUL that she has Tim's help. He only wants what is best for Shaelyn. He actually wants to HELP Jaci, and we WOULD help her more if she would just be NICE!

Sunday (December 14th, 2008), Jaci wouldn't let Tim talk to Shaelyn on the phone. She hasn't received her child support check of $82.72 (like it's our fault that it got lost in the mail), so she told Tim he couldn't talk to Shaelyn until she got it. That is just one example of how I wish she would appreciate the help that Tim & I try to give her! I mean, Nicki's dad NEVER gives me money, but I still let him talk to her...I still let him see her. Does she hate Tim SO much?! Does she hurt inside that much?! Does it have something to do with ME?! I would NEVER, EVER do that unless Tim were like Brandon's father. He hasn't seen nor had any kind of contact with Brandon since he was 2 years old. He turned 16 on December 10th. If he called me right now, although I don't know how he could since he doesn't have my number, I would NEVER in a hundred million years let him talk to Brandon. Now THAT would be understandable! But to deny a father who has ALWAYS tried so hard to be a good father where Shaelyn is concerned, and to get along with her mother, and do what is best for Shaelyn with NO regard to himself...That just doesn't make any sense. Maybe one day she will realize that these things are only hurting Shaelyn. We want to get along with Jaci. *I* want to be friends with Jaci, for her to share all the things with us that we miss by being so far away from Shaelyn without having to beg for them, to be able to share those things with her and she actually CARE!!! Maybe one day I will get that. Maybe not. However, I have decided that I am going to live my life like "The Donkey In The Farmer's Well" parable:

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well that the farmer had accidentally left uncovered. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, so it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Sometimes, I feel like I am climbing a never-ending mountain with Jaci...

"So Small"
Carrie Underwood

Yeah, Yeah

[Verse 1]
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Yeah, Yeah

I want things to change. I want things to get better. Some will call me crazy for caring, and maybe I am. But, I don't think I will ever give up the hope deep down that things WILL change between Jaci & I for the better! I don't think there is anything wrong with hoping. Some may say that hope is futile, and to some, it may very well be. Not to me, though! That would be the best thing in the whole wide world for Shaelyn!

If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to your
mountain, "MOVE!" and it WILL move... and NOTHING will be
impossible for YOU!
- Matthew 17:20

~*~ Tribute to ME: By Robyn Privette ~*~

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I wonder why....

I don't think there is any one of us that hasn't done something at some time in his/her lives that they have regretted. If I could make a list, it would probably go on for days & days. An online friend of mine is dealing with some relationship issues, and was asking for advice. My edited answer to her was this:

It sounds to me that neither of these men are "the love of your life" or your "soul mate". If either of them were, there wouldn't be a decision. You would know what to do. I'm not going to tell you to stop trying to decide on a guy, but I do think you should start looking at what's going to make you happy. Taking some time out for yourself might not be such a bad thing ~ a break from both of them. See what's out there other than these two guys. I know that I'm giving you the harder option, and after being in a relationship for so long, you probably don't feel up to being single. But, from experience, you have to choose for YOU. Think about what will make you the happiest that you can be & also what is best for your children. They don't need different guys coming in & out of their lives. They get attached to one, and then you decide that he isn't "the one" and then they have to suffer the loss.......Keeping a man around because you don't want to be alone isn't the answer. I know this first-hand. You are going to do what you want to do in the end, and I will support your decision. Just REALLY, REALLY think about what it is doing to your children. I am in no way judging, so I hope I haven't offended you. I am just speaking from my heart & my own personal experience. Once things are done, you can't go back and change them. I wish that I had thought more before I did some of the things I did. Good luck, girl! I will be praying!

This got me to thinking. About some of *my* relationships, about life in general, about my past, my present, my future.....So many times we are questioning ourselves, searching for an answer to something that we think is so hard! All along, the answer is right there in front of our nose. We just have to realize it. Often times, even more difficult than realizing the answer to the question, is ACCEPTING it...

Earlier tonight, I was asked some questions that pertain to this line of thinking and have been on my mind since I was asked them. I haven't answered the questions yet, mainly because I have been *thinking* about what my answers were.......So, I'm just going to put myself out there and answer truthfully. Here are the questions:

1. Are you still happy that your husband is in the military?
That is a hard question for me. I am happy that we are provided for, that we have a wonderful support group & people that would give us the shirt off of their back if we needed it and some of them pretty much have, that we have a wonderful home, food on the table, clothes on our backs, good health. I am happy that Tim is living his dream, that he is doing what he loves doing and what he has always wanted to do.
I gave up everything to come to Colorado...my family, my friends, my career. Is that hard for me? Absolutely! Sometimes I get so homesick I feel like I could die! Do I resent it sometimes? Sure. However, I love Tim with my whole heart & he is the absolute BEST thing to ever happen to me! He is so good to me & his children. He is a wonderful husband & father. I would follow him to the ends of the Earth if that is what I had to do to be with him. We have five BEAUTIFUL, healthy children! Even though one of them is not with us often, we are SO blessed! So, I guess that ultimately, my answer is "YES!"

2. Do you blame the military (like hold it against them and use it as an excuse when you are upset) for making you move away from home? Honestly, no. I made a conscious decision to come to Colorado with Tim. I could have stayed in North Carolina, but my place is with my husband. It isn't the Army's fault. Tim & I chose to make this our way of life. Even though he made the final decision, and we discussed it, I went along with it. Sometimes, I do get angry about the choice I made & I just want to throw my hands up and go home. But ultimately, we are a family and family sticks together.

3. How would you handle if his orders were to another country?
Depending on what country, I don't really know how to answer that. If it were Germany or Italy or somewhere like that, I would actually LOVE it! Then, I would be able to see places that I wouldn't otherwise be able to see & so would my children. There are some countries that we would not be allowed to go. If that were the case, I would be VERY upset, I am sure.

4. Would you move back home if it was paid for by the military but it meant leaving Tim behind to stay and work? No, I wouldn't. Not unless he went somewhere that the kids & I couldn't go.

5. Are you done having children?
Yes. Having Dylan literally almost killed me. While I would actually LOVE to have another baby, my body just cannot take having any more children. I have, however, considered donating some of my eggs to families that are unable to have children.

6. How did you and Tim meet?

I was the Director at a daycare, and he was a parent there.

7. Was it love at first sight for you two?

Nope. I actually thought he was a conceited jerk when I first met him! LOL

8. If one of your best friends was cheating on their spouse, would you tell the spouse or would you confront the friend first and let them know they should talk to their spouse?
I wouldn't tell the spouse. I don't feel that it would be my place to do that. I would, however, talk to my friend about it & try to help him or her figure out why they were cheating and try to help them fix the problem.

9. Do you dye your hair or is naturally that pretty blonde?
I do dye my hair! :) One of my best friends is a stylist back home & she is THE BOMB! My hair is actually naturally brown.

10. Do you wear colored contacts or are your eyes really that color?
My eyes really are green and I have always gotten compliments on them! :) I do wear enhancers, as I like the way they look and I have to wear contacts/glasses to see.

So, there you have it! My answers ~ in all their honest glory! LOL

Enough for tonight. It is almost midnight here in Colorado, and I have GOT to get some sleep! There is talk of 1-2 inches of snow tomorrow in the Springs. This will be like the 5th or 6th time we have gotten snow since I have lived here. **SIGH** What SHALL this southern girl do about all this snow?! LOL

Anyway, this subject is To Be Continued....tomorrow. I have more to say!


Here are a few pictures of the snow we got on Thanksgiving ~

~*~ Seven Falls ~*~ 11-9-08

On 11-9-08, we went with our friends, Cas, Krystle & Casandra Megibben to Seven Falls. It was COLD, but BEAUTIFUL! A-MAZ-ING!

Click here for the pictures album from our trip:
http://s68.photobucket.com/albums/i29/PTCruiser2002GRL/Seven%20Falls/

Dylan's Zone ~ 3 Months Old

Dylan turned 3 months on Friday, November 28th! He is such a sweet, wonderful baby! He has been sleeping through the night for a little over a week! He talks and smiles when we talk & smile to him, and I even got him to laugh a few days ago. It was SOOO cute! He LOVES his Rainforest Jumperoo & is now reaching for toys. Big sister, Maddi, likes his Jumperoo almost as much as Dylan does. He eats A LOT, just like Daddy!

He ate cereal for the first time on November 28th, too! However, he only wants to eat it when HE wants to eat it!