Seven tattoos & Counting ...

I have seven tattoos, as I'm sure most of you already know.  I have pictures of them posted on my facebook.  They all mean something very special to me.

The first tattoo I got when I was in my early 20's, a sun on the right side of my abdomen.

I love suns & I got this one with green eyes, like me.  It reminds me that I can shine as brightly as I want to.  No one can put out my shine, except me.

My second tattoo was on my lower back.  Yes, I have a tramp stamp.

I <3 Butterflies !! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them !!  Anyone who knows you can attest to that.  They are so free, so beautiful.  They remind me that appearances can be deceiving & that it is what is inside that matters.  Butterflies don't start out being beautiful ...

My third tattoo is on the back of my neck.

Green is my favorite color & I have always been partial to Shamrocks, even though I don't believe in all that "luck" stuff.  I believe that our lives are pre-determined by God & that He already knows the path that we are going to take in life.  However, Shamrocks or "4-Leaf Clovers," as I grew up calling them, remind me of my childhood.  I would spend HOURS searching for the elusive 4-Leaf Clover.  The happiness & the carefree attitude of a child is something that we shouldn't forget when we become adults.  And, of course, my hubby is Irish ;D

Fourth, came the tattoo on the top of my foot.  I went with my BFF, Angie, to get this one.  It was INCREDIBLY painful, but only because the nimrod doing the tattoo kept talking, and every time he would talk, he would lift the needle.  GRRR .... Talk about frustrating !!

Again, in green, and with my Butterfly theme.  This one is a little more "girly."  And I LOVE the Japanese Kanki which states simply "Butterfly."

For tattoo number five, I went with two of my best girlfriends & we all got the same tattoo just above our left ankle.

The butterfly design matches a dragonfly design on my BFF, Anastasia's foot.  The writing above says "Best" & the one underneath says "Friends."  Angie & I are the only ones who still have this tattoo, as Anastasia added to hers:

My father passed away on February 2, 2009 & I immediately wanted to get a tattoo in his memory.  Thus, tattoo #6 came about. 

This one is on my left forearm.  It incorporates the faith in God that my father & I have, my love of butterflies & the belief that my father is now free from all the pain he was in and is free like a butterfly.

My seventh tattoo is on my right wrist.  It is a simple black butterfly.  Angie & I both love butterflies & wanted to get matching tattoos to signify our friendship, so that is what we chose.  We are going to add to it & tweak it a little bit because we weren't entirely happy with the outcome.

Now, I'm ready for my 8th tattoo ... I want this tattoo to represent my life as a mother ~ the most important job I have & will ever have.  It will probably go either on one of my shoulder blades OR on one of my sides, under my heart.  It will look something like this:

My sister, Robyn, is working on a better sketch than this.  Brandon's name will be down the middle.  Then, starting on the right side (if you're facing my body, it will be on the left):  Nicole on the right bottom wing, Shae on the top right wing, Madalyn on the left top wing, and Dylan on the bottom left wing.  Then, @ the bottom of where Brandon will be, I might put my initials & Tim's initials.

I also want to get a small tattoo in memory of my cousin, Jana, who died from breast cancer with her initials in the butterfly somewhere:

Any thoughts or ideas ??

I Never Thought I'd Say It ...

When I was a child and would get into mischief, my parents would offer some dreaded words of admonition that I swore to myself I would NEVER in a million years say to MY kids ...

Well, THAT didn't happen !! LOL

One of the "nails-on-a-chalkboard" phrases:  "Because I said so !!"  "Mommy, why can't I watch 30 more minutes of TV on a school night?"  "Because I said so !!"  Or, "Mommy, why can't I take your permanent pink Sharpie marker & draw on the white wall in my bedroom anymore?"  "Because I said so !!"

Here are some more famous lines:

* You don't know how good you have it ... we didn't have video games and the internet, we had books and the backyard! We actually had to LEAVE the house to see our friends! And we TALKED to them on phones that were attatched to the phone by a wire... IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!


* Do you think money grows on trees?


* If you do that again, I'm gonna knock you into next week!


* I'll give you something to cry about!


* Don't sit so close to the TV or you'll ruin your eyes.


* If you keep doing that to your face, it's gonna stick like that!


* Don't come crying to me if you break a leg!


* You're skating on very thin ice!


* This will hurt me more than it will hurt you!


* Shape up or ship out!  (Really?  Where did they think we were gonna go?)


* Not while you're living under my roof ...


* You are in BIG trouble, Mister (But Mom, I'm a GIRL!)!


*  Because I'm the Mommy, that's why!


* No sweets before dinner or you'll ruin your appetite!


* Don't ask why!  Just do it!


* Don't make me count to 3!


* That's it!  I've had it!


* One more peep out of either of you and I'll pull this car over!


* Stop that or you're going to bed RIGHT NOW (at 12 in the afternoon)!


* I'm going to call Santa if you don't stop acting up and tell him to skip our house!


I guess it's true ... We DO become our parents when we grow up AND if our kids are holy terrors, it's payback for what we did to OUR parents !!! LOL

Overcoming Evil

Psalm 44:6-8
I do not trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. In God we make our boast all day long, and we will praise your name forever.

Over the past almost 6 years (and even longer), I have dealt with outright, unadulterated EVIL.  There is no other word to describe it.  It has been repeated attacks by the devil to break me down.  At times, it almost worked ...

Like all other Christians, I am human.  In the past, I have tried to deal with these bouts of evil alone.  I didn't trust God enough to handle the situations for me.  I thought to myself, "I can take care of this if I just keep trying."  WRONG !!!!!

Deuteronomy 20:4
For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory."

Thankfully, God is very forgiving & He allows us the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and get it right the second time around.  So, I am reaffirming to myself tonight and to God that from now on, I am relying on God to deal with these adversities.  People can only hurt you as much as you allow them to.  Instead of letting them anger & hurt me, I will be praying for them from now on.  Obviously, they are not happy in life if they feel the need to try to hurt me and make my life miserable and cause trouble for me & my family.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

 

Amen !!! Why worry when you can pray ?!?!  God has got it under control & I know this from personal experience.  So, I'm gonna let go & let God !!!  How awesome is it that God already overcame all the problems that could EVER come my way when he died on the cross for our sins ?!?!?!

This does NOT mean that I will ever be perfect or better than those who try to come against me.  It simply means that, with God by my side, the evil inside my enemies will NOT win out.

Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

It's Been A While ...

It's been a while since I last wrote a blog ... I don't even know if anyone reads these besides me, but I don't guess it matters since I am venting and making myself feel better ...

There a few reasons for my lack of writing, but mostly, I just have a lot going on. I run around most days, doing the exact same things, over and over. I feel like I'm in that movie 'Groundhog Day,' where the day keeps repeating over and over ... Dog peeing & pooping on the floor instead of his puppy pad, kids peeing & pooping all over themselves, feeding the kids, ATTEMPTING to get my MT schoolwork done, and the list goes on ... and I now find myself in some kind of never~ending "fog" that I can't seem to get myself out of.

The first 5 months of Tim's deployment were bearable. I was fine. I did my schoolwork, I graduated with my BBA, I went home to NC, the kids & I finished out the summer, Nicki went back to school ... but somewhere in the past 3 weeks, the pieces have slowly been unraveling and I can't seem to stop them! I feel like I'm drowning! My nerves are terrible! I feel like I can't breathe all the time, like I'm suffocating. I pray to God all day long to take this unbearable misery away, I rebuke the bad thoughts & feelings ... and they leave for a little bit. The devil is fighting me so hard, and I feel like I'm losing. HOW do I make this go away?! What do you do when you're fighting with everything you have inside and feel like you are simply beating your head against a brick wall over & over again, waiting for the blessed relief of unconsciousness, only to find that it is never going to come?!

I KNOW I am not the only person in the world having a hard time! Anyone trying to live a good life & be a Christian is living a hard life. What does that tell me?! That time of Jesus' coming is close & that the fight is only going to continue to get harder! So, I have to pull every bit of strength that I have deep down inside me and keep on keepin' on. I have to.

SO, I found these quotes tonight & I am going to keep reading them until I no longer feel like I am suffocating ~

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

I am going to pray & pray, even though I feel like I am all prayed out until the peace that passes all understanding fills me and I feel strong again.

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

As I was getting ready to end this blog, I found the following while searching for bible verses & I believe it with ALL my heart & I KNOW God led me to this and he is going to get me through it:

"In these times of uncertainty, you may be feeling pressure from various sources. You want to know what you did to deserve the problems (financial, marital, health etc.) Well, the Lord wants you to know that these problems are not a punishment. He wants you to know though everything seems to indicate that your life is falling to pieces, don’t you believe it! Remember, that “in all things God works for the good of those who love him and have been called according to his purpose”. Hold on to your faith in the Lord. He will not allow you to fall. He hears your prayers and has already answered them. “Stand still and know that he is God”. “The protector of Israel never sleeps nor slumbers”. He is faithful, hold on. The manifestation of what has been released in the spirit is on the way. Though it is the enemy’s job to make you tired to the point of giving up, don’t you do it! ... Praise Lord, my brothers and sisters! Praise him in the midst of the trial. Be strong not in your own strength, but in the strength of Jesus, who has endured all for you and I. So, be encouraged and know that the Lord sees your trials, has heard your prayers and has released his grace, deliverance and favor upon your life. You're not suffering for past sins (the devil is a liar) God has forgiven you. Your current delimma is just a trial, permitted by the Lord to draw you closer to him. So, lean on the Lord, friend, and know all is well. Keep your mind on him and he will keep you in perfect peace. As a believer, I bind the spirit of anxiety, condemnation and doubt. I loose an increase in your faith, I loose the peace of Christ in your life this day in Jesus name. Remember the Lord loves you very much and he knows exactly what you're dealing with and has declared his divine peace and favor to be upon you. Now accept and live this day in it. In Jesus name."

I Am Now Looking At My Father's Death In A New Light ...

I began a bible study last week for wives of deployed soldier's that teaches one how to deal with the emotional and spiritual battles of the Military Wife. The author of the study bible we are using wrote this:

In my book, Hope for the Home Front, I tell another story of my wonderful father who, despite our years of praying for his healing, died with amyotrophic lateral sclerosi (ALS), or Lou Gehrig's disease, at 53 years young...As I grieved for my dad, God gently taught me that true safety and deliverance is unseen to the human eye. If I believed my eyes, I would be tempted to believe that God had not protected, healed, delivered my dad in the least. I now know otherwise. In 2 Corinthians 4:18, we are told to "fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." By faith in what God has said in His word about our one hope and one salvation, Jesus Christ, I know in my heart that my father experienced God's best deliverance ever...unseen and eternal...right into the presence of God.

I cried when I read this. Not because I don't believe it, but because it made me think about my daddy's death in the way that God would want me to, and that I should have been looking at it all along. I thank God for allowing me to grieve in my own way and for showing me that it's okay to be sad and to miss my dad and wish that he were still with us.

Through this passage, God showed me that my comfort should be found in the fact that my father is in the presence of God, no longer hurting, no longer unhappy! I will be there with him one day, and I strive to live the life that God, and my father, would be proud of.

God is GOOD, and I look forward to more positive revelations such as this one as the bible study continues, and as I grow as a person! God put me in this Bible Study for a reason !!!

The Battle's Not Mine...

As those of you close to me know, I have fought a long, hard battle my whole life it seems. I say this not to elicit pity from anyone. I don't want it or need it. Yet, I take one step forward, and I get pushed twenty steps back. It's like I'm trying to turn around on a one way street (or make a U-turn, which is nearly IMPOSSIBLE here in Colorado Springs)! Ha Ha!

Until the past two weeks, I had imagined that the past YEAR so far had been the absolute WORST of my entire life! One should always be careful what they say! It can ALWAYS get worse, and more often than not, does! Especially, when one is trying to live a "Christian" life, which I have been trying to do of late. So, knowing what I know and being raised as I was a raised in a loving, tight-knit Pentecostal home with the vast majority of my extended family ALSO being Pentecostal, it should come as NO surprise to me that the Devil is doing His utmost to destroy me right now.

I have changed A LOT of things in my life in the past few weeks. I've changed a lot of my lifestyle behaviors, I've let a lot of people go that didn't bring anything positive to my life, and I'm still making changes...And I don't care what other people think about those changes.

It doesn't matter exactly WHAT it is that I'm going through right now. Those close to me know, God knows. I miss home SO much right now. I miss my family. I call & IM & email for prayers. I need them now more than I ever have in my entire life. I miss my MeMa. I miss my Dad. I miss having my Mom right there holding me and telling me, "God is going to get you through this." Even when you know this deep down in the core of your being, it is SO hard when you are physically ALONE! That is when the Devil comes in and tries to get you because you are at your most vulnerable.

So, in my head, all day long, I think about this song, that I first heard as a teenager at this little bitty Church of God in Franklinton, North Carolina and then I think my mom ended up singing it later...But it has helped me so much this week....

LITTLE DAVID

---

CHORUS:

"The battle's not mine," said Little David,
"Lord, it's Thine, I'm in Your favor.
I'm giving it all to You, I knew not what to do.
I'm so glad You let me see, You're really all that I need.
For the battle's not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it's Thine."

1. Little David looked so small, Goliath looked so tall,
The odds were just too high for Little David.
So he shook off all of his load for with the power of God he was bold,
He said, "The battle's not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it's Thine."

CHORUS:

2. A Little David he stood tall, now Goliath seemed so small,
Sweet victory had reigned for Little David.
He gave the battle to One with a record for getting things done,
He said, "The battle's not mine, I give it to You, Lord, it's Thine."

CHORUS: twice

There is still SO much uncertainty...I don't know what's going to happen. I am just trying to hold on with everything I have right now. God knows I can't take anymore, so I have to believe He's going to start taking some of this off of me if I will let Him! I have already let some of it go. So, here's the rest Lord. Take it! I can't carry it anymore. I'm giving it all to You! I need You to carry me this time!

"Trust..."

"Delay never thwarts God's purposes, it only polishes His instruments"

[Portions borrowed from someone else, but SO pertinent in MY life!]

This journey can be so hard at times...well MOST of the time. But I can honestly look back on the last 2 years and although I wouldn't want to do them over again, I am thankful for them. Some days, I have REALLY bad days, and I wonder why God even keeps me here! I can be mean, heartless, unforgiving, selfish, impossible...the list goes on and on.

I know that God wants to do a great work in my life. I know that I am being refined ("polished") and I know that this is good! It is so painful to be "broken", and I have been broken so many times in the last 2 years. But I believe God has to bring us to a point sometimes where there is nothing else that we can control.....nothing else to hold onto except Him, so that he can refine us...polish us. I am human and everyday, hour, sometimes minute is different, but I choose to trust God for His plan for my life. He can see the big picture and He has a perfect plan and it is good! I know that tomorrow I might be like "but God I really think it would be great if we could move back home to North Carolina." I might try to give God some advice (LOL)...but after every disappointment here in Colorado, every tearful day, etc...I will come back to the truth that God has plans to prosper me and not harm me....plans to give me hope and a future. God has a plan so much bigger than I could ever imagine and I am thankful for that!

There are days that I am going to fail at this. There are days that are just going to be "bad" days and I just have to realize that and say, "Today is not going to be my best day, but I'm going to do the best I can, and by God's grace, I'm going to get through it and move on to tomorrow!" This week has probably been one of the worst in the course of this journey. They seem to get harder & harder and longer & longer. But, at the end of the day, I realize when I am here in my alone time after everyone is in bed...If I was hopeless and lost & God was no where to be found in my life, why would the Devil fight me SO hard and try to make things so difficult?! The answer is simple...He wouldn't.

I hope that this blog helps someone who I want to give the words to, but don't know how. I hope someone in my circle is blessed by this, or that it is passed on to someone who is not in my circle and they are blessed. And as I sit here @ 10:00 PM and listen to the sound of "Taps" play over the loudspeaker on Post, I am sad yet strangely peaceful. My daddy would be proud.